Matthew’s Legacy

Mrs. Adkins being hugged by her son, Matthew

Told by Anne Adkins/Gold Star Mother/Iraq

On July 16th, 1982 a miracle happened to me. I wanted a child so badly and when I looked at my newborn son’s Matthew’s face I was totally consumed with such love I had never experienced before. It filled my heart, my mind and my soul. Thank you God. I was blessed. Tears of pure joy filled my eyes.

Tears also filled my eyes when my husband and Matthew’s father walked out the door leaving us when Matthew was three months old. I can’t lie. It was so difficult working full time with a newborn but that act created a bond between us that was never broken. It was tough but we made it work. I was in media and to make extra money which we needed so badly I would go on nighttime commercial shoots leaving Matthew with friends as I did not have money for a nighttime sitter but every time I would leave he would burst into tears and hold up his little arms and cry “Me, mommy me”. He wanted to be with me. And he was. I made him a bed in the car and he would sleep there and was fine. We were together and that’s all we wanted. That’s all that mattered.

Then a second miracle occurred five years later when we met the wonderful man with whom we would share our lives. He became Matthew’s true father and my loving husband. Matthew had always talked about having a little sister and now he realized that might happen. Barely pregnant I said that Target was having a baby sale and Matthew said, “Oh please mama let’s go buy a baby. They are on sale!  I want a sister so bad. Please mom. Please a beautiful little sister.”

Well his wish came true with Emma’s birth and a so special bond between the two was formed. They became inseparable. That bond never yielded and continues today. But upon Matthew’s death in Iraq on May 3rd, 2007 Emma went into a serious and life threating decline. That terrible time to be read later.

We were a family. Such a happy family and a memory I will never forget occurred when I got an advancement job offer which required a move to Portland, OR. We sat down with the kids and said I could move there ahead of them and that way they could finish their school year in Louisville. Matthew looked at me and said “Why would we do that mama? We need to be together. We are a family and we need to move as a family. We don’t ever want to be apart do we?” Well. We moved together.

We should have known that the military was the path Matthew would choose for his life. It seemed strange to us at the time but now it feels like destiny. The first toy’s he wanted were toy soldiers and then tanks, then more of both. When he was older his favorite channel was the History channel. He knew so much about military history. He studied it. His favorite study was WW2 and when he was little he ran to me and said “Those Nazi’s were terrible people weren’t they. Just awful but they did have snappy uniforms didn’t they?’ He then returned to watch the Nazi’s in their snappy uniforms. But he always said that our country should never be attacked again by terrible people who want to kill us and take over our country. 

The year’s passed happily and then came 9/11. We were attached on our own soil. As was everyone we were consumed by disbelief and despair at the devastation to our country but Matthew more than that. He went silent and then transformed in the following day’s from devastation to questioning, then questioning to anger then anger to commitment. . He sat us down and said he was joining the Army. We said no. He had to continue going to college, graduate then join the Army. His commitment continued and then one day he told us his destiny was to be part of others who felt like he did which was that nothing like this would ever happen to our country again. Never ever again. Thus Iraq became his future. 

Immediately following his homecoming from his first tour he asked if we could go to New York. Oh course we knew why and we did. The first stop we made was ground zero. Once there he stood looking at the devastation for so long. I was so worried about his reaction to the terrible site and then I saw a tear roll down his cheek and he gathered me in his arms and looked at me with such love and concern that I burst into tears. He then said “Don’t cry mom. It’s ok. It really is mom. There are some things worth dying for and that is my family and my country.”

Then came a call we never expected. He said he was going to go back early to Iraq. We were so shocked and so unhappy and asked why would he do that. He replied that if he did so those soldiers who had families would be able to spend more time with those families. He said it was the right thing for him to do and that someday someone would do the same for him.

Before he left we flew to be with him for a few days. It was unbearable seeing him walk to the plane. He turned around and saw me sobbing and blew me a kiss. We learned he later told his Army buddies to never let their parents see them off. That it was just too painful for them. And it was as it was the last time I saw him alive but I will never forget his beautiful face sending us his love.

He wanted to be the best soldier ever. He called and was so happy that he had been asked to go for drinks with a couple of officers. Apparently they had a few. When I asked if it went well he said that when he could remember he would let me know. After his death we received a letter from his unit telling us what a superior soldier he was-we treasure that letter

Then came May 3, 2007 the day we became part of a club no parent wants to belong to.  I was in bed reading and Vernon came it and said three words I will never forget. He cried “we’ve lost Matthew” and when I saw the emotions of the SGT and Chaplain's faces it hit that it was true. Pain such as I have never experienced before shot through me. It was the greatest agony I had ever felt. It was in every part of my mind, my body and soul. My head was screaming No, No, No and then my body and mind in self-defense shut down. I went numb. This went on for two months and then I thawed and every day was a nightmare. How was I supposed to live without him? I thought so much and so many times about killing myself but I could not do that to my daughter and husband as much as I desired to end the pain.

But I was not alone in my pain. Emma was totally lost in her own grief and unknown to us she began taking prescription drugs to help her deal with that grief and pain and the drugs got stronger and stronger ending up with her a heroin addict with a very serious and dangerous addiction. The most frightening thought I have ever had was losing both children but then reality rose. She needed help and we got it for her. She has now finally accepted that while Matthew is physically gone he remains deeply and strongly within her. She now has been clean for four years and is now committed to helping others with their pain and addiction. 

But now as for today!!!

Do you remember when I read to you about the love I felt when I look at my baby Matthew for the first time? Love like I had never felt filled my mind, my heart and my soul. My beautiful memories of him continue. And tears of joy also continue to fill my eyes when I think how blessed I was to have had him for 24 years. And my mind, my heart and my soul today, tomorrow and every day is consumed with my love for him. Consumed today, tomorrow and forever. Thus he continues to live forever.